My very own fairy tale!

Boy kids, do I have a special treat for you tonight. Britt found this a couple days ago and told me about it. It seems Jenny just can't quite let go and has written a lovely little story about me. Brittany and I had a good laugh about it, as did Teetz, my boyfriend, and my roommates. One roommate's exact words were: "Is this girl retarded? I don't know if I should be laughing at how stupid she is, or if I should feel bad for her." I told him he could laugh but also feel bad for her, she needs the pity. He also said he's worked with retards before who could write better than this. Ouch. So, I will not make you wait any long as I present this fine literary work also called, "childish" and "beyond childish" by the same roommate. I didn't change any of her typos or improper usages because that would take some of the fun out of this. Enjoy!

Once upon a time there was a princess. But she wasn't a typical princess. She was just a girl who declared herself princess (and we know how well that sort of action turned out for Mr. Bonaparte). She was also not pretty. She had hair as long as Rapunzel, but it was all matted and gross, and she had a horse face, too. But when she looked in the mirror, she thought she was beautiful, because she was so vain. She wasn't a nice person either. All of the subjects in her court were terrified of her. She kept a log of everything that everyone around her said so that she could blackmail them later if she so chose.

Her closest "friend" (I use quotation marks, because can someone really be a friend if they are merely used as a puppet?) was a eunuch. Hopefully he was already like that before he met her, but somehow I doubt it, which proves even more how un-princess-like she was. He followed her around all the time, and that's how she liked it. Because, you see, she was in love with him, but she never wanted to admit to anyone that she loved a eunuch. Real princesses only married real princes, so that's what she wanted to do. Of course, she wasn't thinking that no real prince would have her because she wasn't a real princess. She also knew (but never admitted) that the only reason the eunuch seemed to love her back was because she had put a spell of manipulation over him.

So she lived her life like that for many years; terrorizing her subjects and fawning over a eunuch. Until one day, a woman moved to the area that this so-called-princess had set up as her kingdom. This woman was a very trusting sort of person, with a quiet beauty about her, and she only moved to this place because a friend of hers led her there (she didn't realize at that time that this friend was one of the so-called-princess' subjects). Part of what made the "princess" so awful was that she was quite good at making everyone believe that she was good and beautiful. The woman fell into this trap at first because she thought everyone she considered a friend was as good a friend as she was.

One day, the woman was walking across a meadow to reach the princess' place of residence for a visit, when she nearly tripped over a young girl (about 15 years old) sitting in the grass and crying.

"Whatever is the matter?" she asked.

The young girl hiccupped and replied, "The princess slapped me." Then she burst into fresh tears.

"Surely you don't mean that!" The woman was appalled. Imagine! A princess slapping her subjects!

"Well, it wasn't that h-h-hard. But she told me I couldn't love the boy that I loved! She said he was to be a member of her inner c-c-court and I couldn't have him. I protested, and she s-s-slapped me."

"Oh, my," exclaimed the woman."And now he's probably going to be a eunuch, too," the girl sobbed.

The woman gave the girl a piece of candy she had in her pocket and carried on across the meadow, thinking about what she had just learned. The woman, although trusting, had had her suspicions about the princess--namely, that her favorite eunuch had not arrived to her in that condition. The woman reached the princess' place of residence, but before she rapped on the heavy wooden door, she paused. She could hear loud voices inside.

"You're hardly a man!" cackled a female voice the woman could almost recognize. Then the voice laughed. It was a horrible laugh that made the woman's skin crawl.

"Yes, I know," replied another voice meekly. It sounded male, but perhaps before puberty.

"You have no testicles!" The same cackle. "No real woman will ever want you! I only keep you out of pity!"

The woman opened the door a tiny bit. She couldn't imagine that the voice was really the princess', but who else could it be? And indeed it was--but since the woman was looking at her when she was showing her true colors, she was not fooled by the dark magic the princess usually employed to present herself as fair and beautiful. The woman saw her as she truly was: horse-faced, with empty eyes and dark tangled hair floating around her like Medusa's snakes. The woman gasped. She tried to shut the door, but it was too late; the princess had seen her.

"YOU!" cried the evil princess.

The woman was no coward. She opened the door wider and didn't run away. The evil princess looked flustered. She had never intended to have anyone see what she was truly like (the eunuch didn't count--she had him completely manipulated). She decided she would try to control the woman the way she had controlled so many others. So the evil princess flung insult after insult at the woman, trying to affect her. And it must be said that a few of the things the princess said hit nerves of the woman. There were moments when her strength began to falter, and she felt her self-esteem dip. But then the woman thought of her true friends, the ones who were loyal to her through thick and thin, and her defences were fortified. It was as though the love of her friends had formed a transparent shield around her, and all the insults the evil princess could come up with merely bounced off of the woman and ricocheted around the room.

But then, the evil princess thought of the perfect insult. Her empty dark eyes flashed maliciously. She knew it would be perfect because somewhere deep inside of her, where the tiniest portion of a real human soul existed, she could remember the day she realized that it was true about herself. It was the worst truth anyone could imagine, and it made her hate herself even more than she already did. But as soon as she had realized it, she chose to push that fact out of her mind and ignore it. That was the day that crowned herself princess and began collecting people to control. Her powers of manipulation were all that kept her esteem afloat. So now she chose to use this insult against her enemy, thinking that at last, this could manipulate the woman.

"YOU WILL NEVER BE LOVED!" shouted the evil princess triumphantly.For a brief moment, the woman was stunned that the princess was truly that evil. But then a wave of pity washed over her. The woman knew that this was the princess' greatest fear, and that it had already been realized.

"You are very wrong," said the woman calmly. The insult flew toward the woman, but could not break through the shield of love that surrounded her. It bounced off the shield and hit the princess between the eyes, forcing her to remember that it was she, not the woman, who would never be loved.

The woman felt bad for the princess, but worse for the eunuch. While the princess began sobbing, mourning her life that she had destroyed, the spell on the eunuch was broken. He awoke with the realization that he had wasted years on someone he thought was beautiful and fair, only to have had her castrate him. It was very disappointing and sad.

But the woman couldn't bear to be in the vicinity of these people anymore, so she ran out of the building and through the meadow until she came to a small town where her friends lived. They were all together in a cozy inn, sharing good food, drinks, and laughs. The woman nearly burst with happiness, and she threw herself around each and everyone's necks, giving hugs and kisses all around. Because she really was a wise woman--it was because of her friends that she survived, and she intended to thank them for that.

The eunuch eventually went out and made something of his broken life. He found someone to love him, even though he was so weak-willed. The evil princess got exactly what she deserved. Oh, she managed to rebuild her powers, and she manipulated more people into thinking they loved her, but none of these people saw the real her. So no truer words were spoken; she was never loved. And as for the woman and her friends...well, they lived happily ever after, of course.

The moral of the story: Don't piss me off, because I'll write about it. I also have friends who can do real magick, so watch it, bitch. :D

Isn't it glorious?

One thing though, if she isn't a coward, why does she have her friends call me, and why does she have DaveReid call Teetz? Why can't she do it herself? Because she IS a afraid and will never have the guts to say anything to my face so she writes little stories that she wishes were true but aren't and never will be. Poor thing. Also, I think we all know what insult I'd really use on her if it came down to it, and it wouldn't be something like "You'll never be loved". That's the lame thing her Screech Owl friend screeched at me on the phone one night. Oh the Tundra is lovely...

I guess she really is pissed at Teetz for not liking her. And by "liking" I think we all know what I mean, because everyone with half a brain saw she totally wanted him for the longest time, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. As Britt said about the situation, "I'm so glad he has his wits about him". I guess she doesn't understand that some people just don't like her, I didn't put any spells on anyone for that, it was something she did entirely on her own.

I wonder if there will be a second part, especially if she finds out how much I enjoyed this first one.